


there's no way to fix it

by cebolla



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-06
Updated: 2016-07-06
Packaged: 2018-07-21 21:41:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7405930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cebolla/pseuds/cebolla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Every inch of Noah was a lie, like a truth that every time it was told, became exaggerated and further from it's original accuracy. Noah thought himself a photocopy that had been photocopied one too many times, and then perhaps, again. And in that lie was every truth that had ever made up Noah and whatever essence of him that was.</p>
            </blockquote>





	there's no way to fix it

**Author's Note:**

> this was /not/ betad and was written all in one unre-read sitting. please excuse errors or oddities

Every inch of Noah was a lie, like a truth that every time it was told, became exaggerated and further from it's original accuracy. Noah thought himself a photocopy that had been photocopied one too many times, and then perhaps, again. And in that lie was every truth that had ever made up Noah and whatever essence of him that was.

He knew the things he liked like a best friend might, the music he loved, the foods he loved– he was one step away from all the things that made him him and it was desperation that kept him clinging, he thought. Kept him from giving up, from going back to the between times where nothing existed, not even a mind to tell him his existence was so very wrong.

" _Noah._ " There was a softness to the edge of Ronans voice that told him the other thought he was asleep. 

" **I don't sleep.** " Noah released a sigh from empty lungs before he was sitting up, lightened room around him, blinking up at Ronans form. He must have ended up in his bed again, as it seemed usual as of late. 

" **What the hell else would being unconscious with your eyes closed be called?** " Ronan let out an amused snort and Noah shrugged weakly, though it brought a small smile to his lips. No, he thought, he didn't sleep– but if Ronan wanted to think he did, then he would let him. He stood and stretched because he had been away for a while after all, wasn't entirely sure of having a body again.

" **Waking up sucks.** "

" **You've been sleeping for three damn days. Gotta wake up sometime.** " There was a snarkish grin planted on Ronans face and he was turned, side towards Noah as he pet Chainsaw, and still Noah saw his fear, wondered if he remembered what _missing_ felt like. Maybe in some counsinistic way– his family, his sister. Yes, he thought he just might. Like a little ache in his chest of longing for home, maybe he could remember.

" **Sorry.** " He was sheepish, " **don't make the rules, go where the winds take me.** " He was reaching out to tug on Ronans upper arm and it was so simple the way Ronan turned towards him to wrap arms over Noah easily, like he'd been waiting. Noah pretended he remembered what it felt like to be cold as Ronan shivered lightly against him before he wrapped his own arms around the taller boy in return, like he wanted to.

" **I'm sorry, Ronan.** " He's a dead boy, so he can't be sad. But he thinks, in this moment more than any other, he can remember what it feels like.

" **Don't be sorry, just _be here_**." 

Noah is a lie, and more than anything in the world, Ronan deserves the truth. Noah tells himself quietly, again and again, Ronan deserves so much _more_. And he remembers what it is to feel heartache, he thinks, so profoundly his fingers shake. He thinks he remembers it more than he'd ever felt it when he was alive.

" **I can't,** " he's quiet, " **I'm dead.** "

" **Bullshit. Try harder.** "

And Ronan knows Noah was a liar, just as Noah knows Noah was a liar.

" **I'm dead.** "

And that's finality of it all, the clause within which Noah lived his whole afterlife. He would feel sorry, but he had died. He would feel sad, but he had died. He would feel love or hate or a horrible, soul-crushing heart-ache, but he had died. These things didn't belong to him anymore, but yet here he was, owning them. 

Noah took a step back, feelings Ronans arms tense around him before they released him easily, though he caught the way his jaw clenched and he felt his stomach bottom out.

" **I'm _dead_ , Ronan.**"

" **I don't care.** "

Noah knew then that Ronan was not a liar and he never had been.

" **Dead boys don't love.** " 

Ronan knew then that Noah was a liar and he always would be.

" **Try harder.** "

" **...I'll try harder.** " He reached up, hand knotting into the front of the tank Ronan wore to tug him forward and down until he could meet their lips softly, a press of all the things he couldn't promise to his jagged-edged boy.


End file.
